Soo that is the question, I left during summer with a tame tone to my voice and came back with a husk in my voice to put Ray Lamontagne to shame! I was lying in bed today after packing everything up and had a wave of “something” wash over me. A strange feeling of nervousness. Now I know that this isn’t for playing at The Boogaloo on sunday so what was causing it? Am I nervous about how I may come back from London this time, I came back last time rich in new ideas and confidence, with almost a new look on everything. I shouldn’t be nervous about that so what am I nervous about?!
Maybe its change. I know one thing for sure, change is happening. After catching up with Colleen and Philip at 80eight last weekend it was made obvious to me change is happening. The Beach Busker is gone. That character I found myself adopting back when it all started in March is gone. I’m growing, getting older, there’s no blonde left, its all dark! That goes for the music too. I’ve tried real hard to make my songs light but its not happening and I’m not fighting anymore. Taste Of A Smile gave a good indication of what’s to come, somethings taking over, ripping itself out from inside. See every night I lay down and just think, evaluate, question what is happening right now. Think about hopes, regrets, feelings that are just niggling at me! I would never speak about these ever in public, its not who I am… I don’t think but recently they are just overpowering me. I wrote last night, “think the number of stars in the sky, that’s a fraction of the thoughts behind my blue eyes.” Its true, I won’t ever show it but I think about everything, there’s a lot going on that I don’t like to speak about. I need to mention Yeahh I’m a happy sort, I have a fabulous life, luckiest kid alive I believe in the sense of having a lovely family, good friends but I still have these thoughts. I really don’t know why. This is where my music is heading. Its going dark, more and more of these thoughts are creeping out through my lyrics. I know I aint alone, we all have doubts, we all have confusion and paranoia running through our veins so these songs won’t be for everyone but for those that listen and have been listening, I’m glad you do and I hope they mean something to you.
So I’m off to London to play at The Boogaloo on sunday and to see some family. I can’t wait, really excited but I write this post at the time I usually let all these thoughts take over for a while so my enthusiasm isn’t being portrayed very well. Will I come back differently this time, I don’t know but there are plans I tell you, new photos, a video, plenty more gigs I’m sure.
I leave you now with some lyrics from this song I woke up to find myself writing. I also apologise cause I don’t know why I write such depressing music! Its almost unconscious though!
“Shadows of uncertainty colour my life,
Dark lines of melody written each time,
I think, I think..
White of my pillow loses pigment each day,
When I lay my head down and let the thoughts stray,
I think, I think..
Stare blind at my future to shut it all out, close all the windows cause I can’t stand the doubt,
Can’t it all be simple now,
Cause I don’t think I can keep writing it down,
Writing it down no more.
I know that in time I can’t keep up this facade,
Cold winds of winter will wear this blockade,
When I think, I think..
Telling more lies to shut them all out,
But soon you will see I’m living in doubt,
Can’t it all be simple now,
Cause I don’t think I can keep writing it down,
Writing it down no more..
Think the number of stars up in the sky,
That’s a fraction of the thoughts behind my blue eyes,
Think of finding your way through the woods at night,
That’s how lost I am in the thoughts and feelings I fight.”